The Attitude of Confrontation– Part 2 of 3

How confrontation is received is determined by the spirit with which it is given. The New Testament has two passages that speak to attitude and skill set in confrontation. Paul is speaking about how we as a church should be unified and synched up with each other when he says in Ephesians 4:15-16 …"we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love".

Way too much truth is spoken without love today. It ticks me off that Christianity is viewed by those outside the church as an angry religion. I don’t even like many of the people I see and hear representing “Christianity”. Is it any wonder that churches are declining in attendance and influence? The simple fact is that the truth might not be nice, BUT I CAN BE NICE. What I have to say might not be pleasant, BUT I CAN STILL BE PLEASANT. I have walked away from skilled and loving criticism in my life feeling cared for. Why? Because someone loved me enough to tell me the tough things and they were kind and measured about how they spoke to me. So the first key to a proper attitude in confrontation should be to speak honestly but truthfully.

The second key is humility. Many times we steer clear of confrontation because we are afraid that the other person will think that we believe we are better than them. For Christ followers though, there is a responsibility to confront another when they are headed down the wrong path. Galatians 6:1-3 says “if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”

We have a responsibility to speak the truth gently and we are called to do it with a humble spirit. A humble spirit simply means that I realize what a screw up I have been in my life…that I am a lousy sinner apart from God’s grace…that I could fall tomorrow myself. Unpacking humility involves realizing our responsibility in conflict and confrontation. The truth I tell might involve me helping the person with an action plan. It could also involve taking extra time to listen, or the energy to ask helpful questions that will shed light on the situation.

A want to give you couple of things that I am learning to watch out for. Make sure that your feedback is fair and balanced. Are there any extenuating circumstances that need to be taken into consideration? Is my feedback balanced with affirmation? Also, sarcasm is a good test of conflict avoidance. When I inject sarcasm into a conversation I have to push back and ask the question, “where is this coming from?” Am I defaulting to sarcasm because I am avoiding confrontation? Am I hoping they get the hint so I don’t have to point it out? We all do it sometimes, but sarcasm is a coward’s way out and it never builds a person up. Last but not least, put yourself in the other person’s place. How would you want someone to talk to you?